borgoth.net
Everything is under construction in some sense or another. How could this be any different?
This is NOT a blog.
I'm a Christian.
I came to my faith as an adult, on my own (well, Jesus helped some). I don't go to church. Church seems to be full of people who've gone to church and had faith all of their lives, and for whom faith, fellowship, and doing right are a lifelong habit. People of faith get on my last nerve.
I don't doubt their faith at all, but it is so irritating how easy it's all been for them. I used to work with a Christian like that. She'd had a whole lifetime of supportive family, fulfilling friendships with her fellow parishioners, and the encouragement not to do horrible bad things because she knew that
- it was the wrong darn thing to do, and
- she'd burn in hell if she did them.
Drove me nuts being around somebody like that. It was even worse because she wasn't "goody-goody" -- really quite smart, thoughtful, and adult. Difficult to simply dismiss as silly, and so it brought it into stark relief the difference I had with somebody who had lived their life in the habit of being good.
OK, if you ever talk to somebody in AA, a lot of them will tell you that the best thing about AA is hearing other people talk about how much they want to drink, and talking themselves about how much they want to drink.
That's how I am about doing bad things. I LOVED doing bad things. I MISS doing bad things. I occassionally think about doing bad things, the way alcoholics think about a drink even when they've been on the wagon for 3 years. And how the heck am I supposed to talk about what I need to talk about with people who've got so much practice being good? How can they tell me about how much they loved lying, stealing, violence, self-destruction? I can't talk with these people, they've never been part of the vicious, mean, callous, compulsively dishonest, habitually bad, hopeless scene. Once in a while they maybe got a little naughty, were quick tourists into bad behavior, but I lived there for years. Its still my hometown -- I've moved away, but it'll always be there, waiting with open arms for another visit, occassionally wondering where I went while life goes on there.
So I don't go to church. I'd like to, but I haven't found out where the reformed sinners hang out.
PS I've obviously still got a little pied a terre back home at the corner of Self Pity and Self Importance.